


New Year

by sacchan



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-14 01:56:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7147385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sacchan/pseuds/sacchan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neil already said goodbye to the girls two years ago, then to Matt in the previous one. It was hard, it hurt him bad, because he felt like he was losing his family. However, the hardest part just arrived. Kevin and the cousins were leaving. <i>Andrew was leaving.</i> The fear of the new year alone was choking Neil, no matter how strong he's become. He needed help, he needed reassurance, and that's exactly what he got.</p>
            </blockquote>





	New Year

**Author's Note:**

> *I know Kevin graduated together with Matt, sorry about that, he kinda needed to be here. In all the bad feelings he suffers from, Neil needed the fun he gets out of watching Kevin being lame.  
> **Also, I might exaggerated the distance between Palmetto State and the house in Columbia. They could have gone there if I want to look at it rationally.

The late afternoon sunshine was painting the dorm room different shades of orange. On the walls there were posters, scarves, and even jerseys in different shades of orange, red and gold, so the whole picture made the impression that room is on fire. Neil wondered when Kevin wants to take the USC merchandise off the walls. Also he was kind of worried his teammate would assume the dedicated jersey, they got _together_ from Jeremy Knox on their last game against the Trojan’s captain, goes with him. Neil was ready to fight for it, though. He had the whole pleading planned out in his head, starting with how Kevin can have any jersey he wants from now on, because he goes to play with the older man.

The news that Kevin’s contract got signed with the team he wanted to go to the most came the previous afternoon, just before their graduation banquet. That was one of the reasons why he got so wasted that he was still sleeping. The other was a little less fortunate; Thea got to know about it only then, and the girl didn’t take the news well, since she played for another team. After Nicky opened his mouth, _“Yes, Thea, he chose Jeremy over you, I always knew he kind of swings our way.”_ , the situation accelerated very quickly into a disaster that ended with lots of vodka. 

Also with a dark circle around Nicky’s right eye. No wonder the guy was packing quickly, Neil thought as he kept watching him from one of the beanbags. Nicky wanted to be out of the country before Kevin wakes up in Jack’s room. 

“Hey, wiseass.” 

“Hm?”  
“What?”

Neil and Nicky answered the owner of the voice at the same time. Neil and Andrew – who was the one standing at the door –, turned toward the older guy with similar, questioningly raised eyebrows. Only Neil opened his mouth, though, “Since when do _you_ consider yourself a wiseass?” He felt personally offended. 

“Oh. Sorry, I heard nice ass,” Nicky replied, then with a chuckle he shook his butt and turned back to packing. 

Even Neil had to stay quiet after that, he had no reason to pick on Nicky for considering himself a “nice ass.” He got elected as “The most tappable ass on campus” the previous night. And for some miraculous reason that Neil couldn’t comprehend, he was proud of it. 

Concentrating on Nicky was too tiring, so he instead looked back at Andrew. “You need me?”

The other just beckoned to him, then disappeared on towards the corridor. Neil got out of the beanbag with a low grunt, he felt tired and sore. He didn’t sleep enough after they had their private celebration with Andrew. He couldn’t see the older one anywhere, but he didn’t even hesitate just slowly walked up to the roof. 

Glimpses of the night came into his mind. 

His own expression in the mirror being gloomy before leaving the dorm. (Neil generally hated the end of the school year, because it meant the others going away, but this time it was a lot worse. They were going away forever.)

Andrew and him arriving together hand-in-hand in their perfectly identical black suits. (Kevin was utterly mad at him for the obvious gayness. _“It can ruin your carrier!” “I don’t give a fuck, Kevin.”_ That wasn’t entirely true as ruining his carrier technically meant he would die, but a few days before he and Andrew got pretty drunk, and Neil dared his boyfriend into it. On the evening of the banquet he almost backed out of it, but by that time Andrew felt the upper hand, and with a sadistic smile he told Neil, there is no running away. And Neil didn’t run as he has never run since he knew Andrew.)

His teammates celebrating Nicky’s title like it was the winning of the championship. (Nicky was sad for a moment, because he and Erik didn’t get selected as the King and King of the night, but the cheers from everyone made him forget all about it. Neil didn’t say his opinion about the degrading title, because he was actually happy to see his friend shining like the star of the night.)

Thea punching Kevin in the stomach. (That didn’t need any reason, Neil just loved to see Kevin getting punched.)

Matt, Dan, Renee and Allison all showing up. (It was a surprise that Wymack arranged for them. The Foxes got selected as the best sport team of the school again for the first time since Neil’s first year, and it was their coach’s present for them. Even if they met from time to time, it’s been too long since all of them were together like this.)

Andrew and him leaving together when the sun started to raise. (They hardly ever stayed so long at a party, but now Neil couldn’t just leave. He was overemotional, because his family was around him, and Andrew didn’t even try to convince him. They left when Neil was ready.)

Andrew and him closing the room behind themselves at 6 am, then being lost in each other’s bodies for hours, because Neil desperately wanted to make Andrew feel good in his own drunken haze. (Kevin tried to pound on the door around 8, but they didn’t even consider letting him in. Nicky was smarter, he just left them a message, _“write when I can come for my bags, love birds.”_ )

Neil arrived to the roof, and when his eyes found Andrew’s back a few meters away, by the edge, his heart felt like it weighted a ton. It’s over. Now, he will officially be alone in Palmetto State. By the end of this day all his friends, his _family_ will be out of the dorm. Neil maintained a good relationship with his younger teammates – every year started roughly with the new kids, but he and Wymack found the ways to them in the end –, but his first year forged a bond with the upperclassmen that remained special. 

And now it’s over. 

After swallowing a sigh, he walked up to Andrew. He scuffed a few times so the older one would hear him for sure, because he wanted to do something that would startle Andrew if he did it out of nowhere. But he wanted to do it so bad. Neil didn’t step next to him like usually, but hugged him from behind. Andrew’s whole body tensed up, and it didn’t stop for long minutes. Old reflexes stayed with both of them even after three years of being close to each other almost all the time. Andrew didn’t like to have anyone behind his back. 

However, he let Neil do it sometimes. Like now. Well, Neil resisted to put his jaw on the top of his head, which was one of the reasons of the ‘kindness.’ He tried that one time after realizing he went through a last growing sprout a year ago and now was a whole head taller than Andrew. His award was a nasty bruise on his stomach from the blond boy’s elbow. Resting his forehead on the older guy’s shoulder was reassuring for him, too, even if Andrew just kept standing and smoking without acknowledging his presence. 

Until Andrew eased into the hug, Neil was fighting with himself. He had many things he wanted to say, but he was afraid voicing any of them would just make him look stupid. Distrustful even. That was something he really didn’t want to be seen like. He trusted Andrew. He did. But… 

“You know,” he murmured after the long silence. “I only voted for Nicky’s ass, because I knew, you would kill me if you got even one vote. I think you have the best ass in the school.”

“I bet you do,” Andrew said after a short snort. “How long are you planning to do this?”

 _This_ meant the hugging, but Neil pretended not to understand. “Do you?” 

Andrew hit Neil’s head with his own quite strongly. The younger laughed for a while, then as the silence descended on them again, he tightened the hug. “Stop it,” Andrew growled at him right away. 

“What?”

“Being pathetic.”

But he could not. “I will miss them so much, Andrew.” Not even the annoyed grunt could stop him now. “I will miss even Kevin and Aaron, damn it.” 

“Cause you are sick as fuck.” 

“Nicky is leaving the country tonight.” 

“Fucking finally.”

“I will miss them so much.” 

As the breeze of a panic attack rose around them, Andrew decided that he had enough of this bullshit. He tore himself away from Neil, but couldn’t really step away, because of the edge of the roof. He just turned around instead and folded his arms in front of his chest. 

With the setting sun dying his light hair orange and golden, Andrew seemed like he is on fire. And it wasn’t a nice one like in the room a few minutes ago. Andrew was angry. “Stop it, Josten,” he said with an annoyed grimace on his face. 

“I can’t not care.” 

“That’s not what I meant, and you fucking know.” 

No, of course it wasn’t that. What pissed him off the most was the message of Neil’s face. _“I will miss you so much.”_ And that wasn’t even all. _“Please, don’t leave me alone.”_ Or simply just, _“Please don’t leave me.”_ All the things he felt, but couldn’t say were on his face and in his eyes. And Andrew could read Neil as well as Neil could read Andrew. 

He wanted to say _“I’m sorry.”_ He didn’t mean to do this. Or feel like this. He trusted them. He trusted Andrew. He knew they won’t just forget about him all in all. They aren’t leaving him behind, because they wanted to. They can keep in touch. He can talk to any of them like he did with Matt ever since the upperclassman left last year. 

But. 

But Neil knew how much it changes everthing, and the reason was Matt. They kept in touch, sure they did, but it wasn’t the same anymore. They didn’t live under the same roof anymore, and that was a change Neil hated. And now even Andrew leaves. If losing Matt’s presence hurt this much, how should he not be in panic about not being near Andrew? Not living in the same room as Andrew anymore? 

Keeping in touch wasn’t the same as actually being able to touch him whenever he felt like it. 

He wanted to say _“I am sorry,”_ but his lips formed a different sentence with three words. 

The only sign of Andrew hearing him on the now windy rooftop was the annoyed wrinkles getting deeper on his face, and the clench of his jawline. “Shut up!” he commanded after minutes of silence, even though Neil didn’t repeat it. Not with words anyway.

“Andrew, I–“ The hand on his mouth muted him with a sense of nostalgia. For years by now, if Andrew wanted to silence that smart mouth, he just kissed Neil, it didn’t happen like this for a while. 

“I have no trust in those words.” 

It was a lot more than just that, and Neil knew it. He was aware how the men who hurt Andrew through his childhood kept telling him that. How they tried to justify the horrible things that they did to him with those three words. Of course he loathed them. Neil understood his reasons, and never wanted to be like them that’s why he never put his feelings into words before. 

But this time was different. This time Neil needed words, and Andrew didn’t seem willing to give him any. Neil couldn’t let him go away without some reassurance. He bit into the skin of Andrew’s palm that was hardened because of the long years of holding the exy racquet. The older didn’t let go of his mouth even after Neil actually put strength into the bite. 

Staring into each other’s eyes ended with a small knock on the door of the roof. “Sorry, boys, I know this is off-limits place for anyone except you two, but I will miss my flight if we don’t go now.” 

“We are going,” Andrew answered with his usual bored tone, then stepped away from Neil without any other words. He only stopped to flick the cigarette butt that he let burn down by itself into the garbage can. (That appeared one day by the door, when the cleaning ladies got enough of gathering the remains after them.) “Josten.” 

He didn’t need to add _hurry the fuck up_ it was in his voice. Neil looked up at the sky for a second, swallowed everything down again, then turned around. None of them waited for him. Neil felt his heart aching with real pain.

The half an hour trip to the airport went by with Nicky and Erik’s small talks only. Neil was staring out of the window on the passenger seat of the Maserati, and for once Nicky didn’t even try to bother him. If he felt anything else, but the sorrow, because of the upcoming goodbyes, he would have been grateful for Erik being there. Nicky only behaved himself when he could be by his boyfriend’s side. 

Neil got a tight, bone-cracking hug from Nicky on the airport, and his arms around the older man’s back wasn’t so much weaker. Neil learned to appreciate Nicky throughout the years, but after spending their last year in the same room – Aaron finally moved in with Kathlyn –, he grew even more attached. Kevin and Andrew were such bad company most of the time that it was a pleasure to have someone around who could talk about something else than exy, or just talk in the first place. 

“I hope you are ready for me flooding your message box with two hundred messages daily,” Nicky said with a smile, but his eyes were teary when he stepped a little back. Andrew was sending knives toward him with his eyes. Fortunately, only with his eyes. 

“Oh, please, you’ll forget all about me now that you can be with Erik in Germany.” It was a joke. Neil always said jokes like this. Of course it was only a joke. 

“No, Neil. I will not do that.” When Neil cracked a little smile to ease the moment that Nicky’s serious tone created, he continued, “I won’t ever forget about you. You are my best friend.” 

“That’s Erik.” Erik was the one who actually listened to Nicky. Neil heard them talk on Skype or phone all the time, and he thought they are lucky for being best friends and lovers. 

“That is different, and you know it.” 

Neil tilted his head to the right to show he is not sure. He was, though. He shared his biggest secrets with Andrew, Andrew knew him like nobody else, but it surely was different than his bond with Nicky or Matt. 

“I will call you every day to complain about Erik.” Nicky was back to smiling from ear to ear, but his eyes were still shining with tears. 

“I’m thinking of getting a new Skype account.” 

“Hey!” 

After the pair left for check-in, Andrew and Neil walked to the windows and watched planes leaving for a long while. When it was time for Nicky’s, he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. As they got bullied into buying a smartphone by the others two years ago, Neil now could receive photos. This time he got a selfie of Nicky and Erik. Erik’s arm was on Nicky’s shoulder, and he was obviously holding up the device with his other hand, because the other man was hugging him with both of his. Nicky’s face was shining from tears, and his smile was the smallest Neil has ever seen on him. He seemed crashed of sadness.

_“u need to come to visit us as soon as u can”_

Neil read the message, and when he replied with a short _“sure,”_ he felt like crying, too. 

He was crying on the inside. 

They didn’t talk with Andrew. More like the blond guy didn’t talk at all since they got off the roof. They left the airport and got into the car without a word, just to continue being silent even on the road.

Neil didn’t feel like this is the end of the year. It felt like the end of the world. It was the end of his world. Andrew didn’t need to talk, Neil heard his voice in his own head, _“You are a pathetic drama queen, Josten.”_ He couldn’t even look at him like how he usually did while Andrew was driving the car. He was afraid everything he wanted to say would flood out of him if he did. 

But then he realized something. They were on the road for more than half an hour now. They were on roads that didn’t lead to the dorm.

“Where are we going?” he asked, after fixing his posture on the seat. They were still on the interstate, going towards Columbia. 

“Away.” 

Neil got pissed the moment he didn’t just say to the house. He had no reason why, he was simply on the edge, and now Andrew pushed him over it. “You need to pack your things in the dorm.” 

Silence.

“Coach told us like three hundred times that inspectors come on Monday morning to check if the rooms are empty, Andrew.” 

Silence. 

“How will Kevin get to Columbia without the car?” Their friend had to leave the dorm that night, too, but he still had nowhere to go, so they just decided to move to the house for a few weeks together. 

“I don’t give a fuck.” 

“Yeah, I’m sure you don’t.” 

Andrew was a master of sending bored, but questioning looks. He did that now as Neil raised his voice. “You want out?” 

Neil was clenching his jawline, and just glaring at him. 

“Yes or no?” 

“I am not answering your tricky questions.” 

“Then shut the fuck up.”

Neil bounced back to the back-rest, then folded his arms on his chest, and did exactly that. There was no point in arguing with Andrew when he didn’t want to do it. So Neil just leant on the window like he always did when he was in a bad mood, and kept pinching his own thighs through his jeans. 

For another ten minutes they were just going straight ahead on the interstate with boring, blurred scenery running by their side. They traveled between Columbia and Palmetto State so many times in the past four years that Neil knew exactly where they were, and how much more it will take till the house. He almost closed his eyes to just drift off instead of waiting for the tension to change, when he heard the sound of the turn signal. He slowly pulled his head from the window as Andrew got the car out of the fast line, then they exited the interstate. The sign said the town they headed is called Gray Court. 

There wasn’t really much to see, Gray Court was like any other small towns. Straight roads, a few shops, a church, and lots of flowers and green by the streets. Neil thought they will just drive through, but Andrew seemed to concentrate on the small, decorated street signs more, and he drove off the main road in the end. It wasn’t all that surprising that they parked in front of a hotel. They did that a lot, going to random towns and finding a hotel to stay for a night or two. But it really wasn’t a good time, so Neil didn’t understand why they didn’t go just simply back to the dorm, then headed off to the house. 

“Yes or no?” asked Andrew after a couple of seconds, while they both just stared at the tiny hotel.

“It’s a yes, but I’m fucking mad at you, Andrew,” Neil grumbled back before getting out of the car. He shut it closed with a huge bang, he could almost hear the other guy snorting for his drama performance.

The hotel seemed old. The owners tried to keep it well – there was a man painting something by the right side even when Neil walked up to the porch –, but as it went with old houses, their age peeked out here and there. It was a _lovely_ building anyway, with colorful flowers everywhere, but that just made Neil more confused. Why would they stop in a place like this? Compared to the ran-down motels they usually went to, this was way too… _lovely_. 

“Welcome, welcome, sir!” a cheerful voice greeted him from the counter right next to the door. An old lady sat behind it, with perfectly white hair and a smile that reached her ears.

“Good evening, ma’am!” Neil said politely. “I’d like to have a room for two with a king bed.”

“How many days, m’dear?”

“Just tonight. I guess,” he added feeling a little uncomfortable. This is why he disliked when Andrew didn’t share his plans with him. But he always was the one going in hotels to ask for a room, and he did it out of habit this time, too. He should have probably gotten some information out of Andrew first.

“Alrighty, you can change that if you feel like later. We don’t have all that much guests here.” She said that on such a carefree voice, like it wasn’t bad for business. 

Neil eyed with slight amusement as she opened a thick planner instead of using a computer. “Is that so?”

“Well, we get enough of wanderers who get tired of driving and want a nice sleep for a change.” She looked back up at Neil with a smile. “So, what’s your name, m’dear?”

“Neil Josten, ma’am.”

“Oh! Why didn’t you start with that?!” Neil frowned at her. “We were expecting you.” 

“Were you?” he asked back hesitantly. 

“Of course!”

The old lady started to rattle with papers on her desk, so Neil fetched his phone from his pocket. _“Godfuckingdammit Andrew,”_ that’s all he could send before the lady spoke again. “You need to sign some papers for me, sweetheart.” Neil got more and more confused, but he didn’t ask anything, he assumed the old lady will blab out everything by herself. “You left us some headache with your request, you know,” she said with giggles between the words. “I had to call my boy up in Atlanta to ask if I should believe you or not.”

“Sorry for causing you trouble, ma’am.”

She waved her hand, then slapped it on her waist. “You showed up, it’s all fine. You didn’t just trick me.” 

She laughed for a long time, while Neil went through the papers in front of him. They said Neil Josten reserved a room for every weekend for the next year. He felt like his brain is slowly transforming into one question: _What the fuck?_ He signed everything anyway – saw that the first three months were already paid, too –, because it was obviously Andrew’s doing. Who showed up right after Neil had the keys in his hand.

“Good evening, ma’am!” he said on a small voice, when stepped next to Neil. Very close to him.

The old lady looked from one to the other three times. “Oh, you are the boyfriend?”

Neil flinched at that out of pure reflex, but kind of relaxed when realized she was still smiling, and Andrew nodded quietly, too. _“What the fuck, really.”_

“Fantastic! I’ve been dying to meet you, boys!” There wasn’t a drop of bad feelings in her face or eyes or voice. She meant that. “One of these days, you need to tell me your story.”

They only murmured some vague response to that, but she didn’t seem disheartened at all. 

“We can’t wait to have you and your cute little boyfriend over from now on,” she said that looking at Neil, who went tense the moment the words cute and little escaped her mouth. But nothing happened. Andrew was still standing still next to him, and the lady wasn’t dead either.

As none of them said a word, she told them when breakfast is, then pointed them up to the stairs, and waved her goodnights. The jingles of her bracelets followed the pair while they climbed up the old, creaking stairs. 

The room was as cozy as the whole building. The big bed took up most of the place, but they’ve never needed more than that before. The walls were painted white, but someone hang lots of photos on them. As Neil could tell after a short look, they were old – many of them black-and-white –, and they pictured the town’s changes. It seemed he has plenty of time to check them out from now on, so he instead directed his gaze at Andrew. 

“Did she just call you cute and little and you didn’t even slap at her?” The boy just kept putting the booze in the little fridge, of course they had booze, and didn’t even acknowledge his words. “CAN I DO THAT, TOO?” 

Andrew shot a bored look at his direction. “If you want to get your hands broken.”

Neil raised an eyebrow. “Why my hands? I’ll keep talking.”

“No, you will die in no time, the withdrawal of your drug will kill you. Junkie.” He stood up, then threw his duffle bag into one of the corners. 

“Which drug you mean? Jerking you off or exy?” Neil felt a grin showing up on his lips. His anger worked off somewhere in the past ten minutes. 

“Did you put that in order of importance?” asked Andrew, after laying down on the bed. 

“You wish I did.” 

Andrew stretched out on the bed’s right side with one arm under his head on a fluffy pillow, and with a beer in the other. Neil kicked off his shoes, then climbed up next to him, lay on his stomach, and put his jaw into his palm after propping himself up on his elbow. He studied Andrew’s face for long seconds, but the other one was eyeing the dew on his bottle through almost closed eyelids. Neil hoped one day he can stare at him with such intensity that at least Andrew’s ears go pink. He was dying to see him blushing. 

“When did you arrange this?” he asked in the end. It was obvious he won’t be able to find any answers on his blank face. 

“I was bored out of my head during the last hour of my physics exam.” 

“I’m sure you were.” Neil snorted after answering. 

Andrew got As on all his exams. The biggest reason for that was one simple thing. The others bet he will fail all of them so he can stay behind with Neil. Neil was the only one knowing that won’t happen, so he went and even changed the bet. He raised the risk with saying, Andrew will finish with the best grades, so nobody bet against him. With Andrew’s memory it was a piece of cake for him, but that was also something only he was aware of. The guy’s grades were horrendous through all five years of college, but he could have finished with summa cum laude if he ever cared for school before. That’s how, on the only bet Neil participated in, he won a solid 1000 dollars. The others screamed cheating, but they couldn’t back out of it. 

He considered telling Andrew that he knew he was lying, though. This place had no computer, which meant, he had to call, couldn’t just e-mail them. He left it untouched, because it was enough to think about Andrew calling around all kinds of places just for his sake. _Their sake._

“I told you we will meet halfway during the weekends,” Andrew muttered into Neil’s thoughts. “And this town is kind of famous about its tolerance for all kinds of things.”

He wasn’t sure he remembered that conversation. He had a vague feeling of talking about meeting up in the year separated, but they most likely had that after sex. Neil’s brain usually refused to work after those. “We are not halfway. This town is closer to Palmetto State than Columbia.” 

Andrew puckered his mouth up a little. “You will drive here after matches, Josten, appreciate my consideration.”

“ _You_ are trying to be considerate?” Neil smirked, then let the silence sit on them again. He started to peck at the edge of Andrew’s armband, and stopped watching him. “Why did you piss me off before coming then?” 

“It’s fun to watch when you get worked up over stupid things.”

Neil rolled his eyes. “Fuck you.”

“Go for it,“ Andrew answered with a hint of amusement in his voice. 

“Not yet. What did you want on the rooftop?” Neil slid his index finger under the wristband, just to feel the familiar smooth plump of his scars.

“Smoking? 

“Sure.” He didn’t believe him. “Why did we come today? We will still be together till mid-June.“

Andrew shrugged. 

“You knew I will be freaked out.” They were quiet again for a while. “I am not as weak as I used to be,” Neil whispered in the end.

“You’ve never been weak, Josten,” Andrew grunted back right away. 

However, Neil knew that’s not true. He wasn’t just weak; it’s not like he belittled himself. But he wasn’t all that strong either. His mouth was the biggest when he was sure that he has nothing to lose anymore. He fought with everything he had got in his first year, because he was certain, he will die by the end of that year anyway. But even then, he wouldn’t have been able to get out of that mess without Andrew. Andrew had his back. He was leaning, he was _relying_ on Andrew so much.

He wasn’t like Andrew; he couldn’t deal with his problems alone. He needed those strong arms to hold his pieces together. And even though he was mostly patched up by now, Neil doubted his strength to hold up during his year alone. 

“Stop it.” 

Two short words. Just a grunt. Something that always could close the lid on the shadows that always threatened in the back to choke him. 

“I can do this. I will be alright alone. If we meet weekly, I will be alright.” Why did he sound so desperate?

“Good for you.”

Neil hesitated, but then lifted his gaze up at the blond guy’s face. He was still eyeing the bottle, that was by now almost empty. “I just need to hear… things, Andrew. We’ll need more words from now on.”

“Don’t even think about calling me daily.”

A grimace appeared on Neil’s face. “I am not stupid. I was thinking about that being silent on the phone would be just a waste of money.”

“You will message me of your daily schedule, though.” A frown appeared on Neil’s face. “And if there is change to it.”

“Why is it necessary to know where I am?” One more shrug. Neil didn’t press on. “Okay, whatever, if that’s enough for you. But I need… I need to hear it Andrew, I’m sorry. I just need to.”

The older one didn’t need explanation to know what Neil is talking about. “Why is it so important?”

Neil lowered his head until he rested his forehead on Andrew’s forearm. His finger was still stroking the scars, and he almost could feel his boyfriend’s pulse, too. He wished the armband was gone already. He wanted to push his lips to his pulse point on his wrist. Andrew’s pulse always calmed him down, when it was hard to talk about the past. “I’ve never heard it from anyone. And I have no memory of telling it to anyone, either.”

“Never?” There was clear disbelief in Andrew’s tone. 

“Mom sacrificed her whole life for me instead of saying it,” he said, then snorted, but it was a sad, short sound nothing else. “There was a time – I was around fifteen – when I was sure she hates me. Like why wouldn’t she tell me she loves me? I heard it from parents everywhere. Why wouldn’t she tell me? She must hate me, that was the only conclusion back then. Teenager depression.”

“You never really got out of that one.”

“You are one to talk.”

“Shut up, Josten.”

He raised his head, and now could immediately look into Andrew’s eyes, as he was gazing him, too. “No, I don’t want to shut up. Andrew, let me hear and say it.” 

Silence. But it wasn’t dead silence. Andrew’s expression talked into it as he measured his options. 

“Say it in Russian then.” 

Their secret language. The language they only learnt to be able to talk privately even when they weren’t alone. Neil tilted his head a little, thinking. He had to conclude in the end that he’d pushed Andrew as far as he could. This was it, or nothing. And as always, Neil gave in. “How do you say it in Russian?”

“As if you don’t know,” grumbled Andrew back. 

“I can tell you at least 20 different ways how I want you to fuck me, but I have no idea how you say that.” Neil hoped his face was innocent enough. 

Andrew swallowed everything back – it must have been a big pile of things, because his Adam apple rose and fell spectacularly –, then opened his mouth, “Я не ненавижу тебя.”

“That means I don’t hate you, Andrew.”

“Isn’t that the same?” he asked with a smug expression. 

Neil grimaced. “It is with you, but–”

“я люблю тебя.”

It was soft, almost inaudible, and Neil was really glad he shut up the moment he saw Andrew’s face moving. Neil was staring at him with wide eyes, and he was sure Andrew can feel his heartbeat speeding up through the fingers he had on his skin. He wanted to hear it again. But most of all, he wanted to say it, too.

“я тоже тебя люблю.”

“You knew how to say it,” Andrew answered with rolling his eyes.

“Of course I did, it’s on every book’s first page.”

“You should really shut up now, wiseass.”

“Make me.”

The beer bottle clinked loudly on the wood floor as Andrew threw it down so he could grab Neil’s hair instead. His cold hand tugged the younger close by Neil’s nape, pulling the hair hard. But that pain was sweet, and a lot better than the one that followed the collusion of their teeth. Neil chuckled into the kiss, but Andrew didn’t let him go. The younger leaned on his forearm next to the other, then slowly put his hand on Andrew’s chest, so he could get a better angle with the endless kiss. Tension didn’t follow his touch, so he placed his weight more on his left hand, and lifted himself up on Andrew’s chest, until he was half lying on him. Neil broke free when Andrew grabbed his neck with both hands, then he started to kiss and scratch Andrew’s jawline with his teeth. He loved that jawline a lot, and not just staring at it in the car. The fingers in his hair tightened as Neil sucked strongly on that one spot just under Andrew’s ear by the edge of his jaw. He didn’t leave a mark, but the temptation was real. He wanted to go down to the white, smooth skin which was usually covered, so he could leave signs as much as he wanted. 

“I wanna sit on your lap. Yes or no?” he murmured into Andrew’s ear.

The answer came just a blink later, but certainly not right away. “Yes.”

Neil pushed himself up, then straddled Andrew’s hips, but put his hands on his own thighs, not Andrew’s chest. That small pause made him hesitant. They had problems with Andrew being pinned down by him for a long time, and it was still something unstable, always filled with lingering fear of triggers. Neil watched Andrew’s face, his hazel eyes slowly focusing on him as the shadows got fought back in his mind. 

“Being on top means leading, wiseass, don’t chicken out now,” he said with a smirk, then sat up, too. Neil gasped as he suddenly got a little pushed back, then steadied himself with holding on Andrew’s shoulders. “Take my t-shirt off.”

And Neil did just that. Because no, he couldn’t lead. Andrew had to set the pace or it wouldn’t have been pleasurable for either of them. He leaned over the older a little, and pulled his black t-shirt over his back, and already felt the previous desire shouting inside of him. Andrew’s light skin was his most effective drug. His eyes gazed over the broad shoulders, the muscular chest and arms, and he wanted to be crashed by them so bad. Neil bent down, to kiss – or bite; biting felt a lot more tempting – into the crook of Andrew’s neck, but the older started to pull up his shirt. A disappointed grunt echoed in Neil’s throat. 

“Shut up, junkie.” Andrew tapped his forehead a little when the t-shirt was covering his head, then he pulled it over to his back, but stopped Neil, when he wanted to free his arms from it. “Stop that.”

Neil frowned, then questioningly tilted his head to the side. There was no answer, but he didn’t push on. He wanted his mouth on Andrew’s skin anyway, he didn’t need his hands at the moment. “Whatever, I’ll eat you anyway.” He pushed Andrew with his shoulder till he fell back on the pillows. Smirking. 

Neil never was sure what was kink and what was prevention of triggers, but it hardly mattered, he enjoyed anything Andrew ever did to him. However, on better days, they didn’t have to be cautious of triggers, and Neil could do whatever he wanted. That small pause was an obvious sign that this wasn’t one of those days. And that gave a pang to Neil in the stomach. It just reminded him how selfish he acted earlier, or for days already. He wasn’t the only one fearing the new year. 

_”Neil.”_ He got pulled out of his thoughts abruptly as that firm hand grabbed his neck. He had to gasp for air, when Andrew’s fingers dug into his throat. “Shut the fuck up.” 

“Stop reading my mind.”

Andrew rolled his eyes. “I was reading your face, wiseass. And it’s not even a hard work with your dumb honesty.” 

“Complain to the guy who made me stop lying.” Neil cracked a smile, then pushed into Andrew’s hand, until he took it off of his throat. 

Neil leaned down, then the first thing he did was licking up on Andrew’s neck starting from the hole between his collarbones, sucking a little on his Adam’s apple, then biting into his chin. When he looked at Andrew’s face the next time, he was the one smirking. Which gained him no more than a bored look, but the groan earlier was more than enough anyway. 

Leaning over him without the help of his arms was a challenge for Neil’s abs, but he didn’t mind it. The path of kisses and bites down on Andrew’s chest was slow, thorough, and pleasurable for both of them. Andrew’s chest rose faster, and the pink spots that appeared on his skin weren’t only the work of Neil’s mouth. When he bit into the older’s right nipple, Andrew tugged his hair on the top of his head with such force that Neil hissed. 

“Sorry.”

“Do it more.”

“Junkie.”

Neil couldn’t have denied that even if he tried. He was addicted. However, not just to pain, that was just a part of the bigger picture. He was addicted to everything Andrew did to him. _He was addicted to Andrew._

He also had fetishes. It started with just a simple neck/jawline fetish. Then he realized he liked Andrew’s scars on an unhealthy level. One day Neil caught himself staring at his hands as he drove, and after ending up with an uncomfortable bulge in his pants, those got on the list, too. But none of those could win over his skin fetish, which probably connected them all. Compared to Neil’s ruined skin, Andrew’s was beautiful like a blank canvas, nobody left permanent signs on it, no matter how many men touched him before. And not even Neil could. He still had to come back every time to mark it, because he couldn’t deal with the desire to leave it stained. Sometimes that was scary, but most of the time just more arousing than anything. 

“You are hard like you are the one on the receiving end,” Andrew commented after Neil rubbed his groin to his in a desperate attempt for more contact. 

“One day I’ll come just from sucking on your chest,” Neil answered after looking up at him. “I just love your skin. _So much._ ”

“It’s not half as interesting as yours.” Andrew was stroking the hot-iron scar on his right shoulder, almost gently mapping the edges of it. 

Neil’s eyes wondered over the older guy’s arm. The scars Andrew had were still covered, but what he said was true. Neil had scars enough for more than one people, and they all told different stories. Outside at least. The ones on Andrew’s arms were only the overflow of all the others that hid under his skin. Andrew will always have more invisible scars than him. 

“I wanna suck you off.”

“What’s stopping you?” Andrew asked back with a small, amused smile at the blatant declaration. 

“The zip of your jeans.” 

“Oh, you have a very talented mouth, Josten, I’m sure you can do something with that without help.”

Neil growled back at the unnecessary teasing, then bit hard into the lowest point on Andrew’s stomach he could reach without sliding down. The other snorted, then just leaned completely back, and laced his fingers behind his head. “Well, fuck you.” Neil laughed for a little while shaking his head, then repositioned himself to kneel between Andrew’s legs. 

Once he could reach the lower parts of Andrew’s stomach, he bit into his left side, then licked his hipbone until he reached the waistline of his briefs that peeked out just above the jeans. Neil set his eyes on the task. Undoing the button of a jeans with just his mouth wasn’t something he’s ever thought he would try out. The thick fabric was resistant, and he hardly could get a good grip on it with his teeth not matter how he turned his head. When he took a peek at Andrew’s face, the older one seemed content and amused, which made him just a little bit pissed. He plucked at the corner of the material forcefully, and it finally came unbuttoned. 

“Fuck, my teeth hurt,” he mumbled mostly just to himself. 

“Lucky, you won’t need them in the next few minutes.” 

“Shut up, or I might use them,” Neil said looking up at him, then he opened his mouth wider, showing off his teeth, as he leaned closer to the bulge still hidden in Andrew’s pants. The older only snorted at him again.

Undoing the zip was a lot easier, but pulling off the jeans enough to at least get to Andrew’s underwear was again way too much effort. “You know, this is a waste of time.” 

Andrew seemed to agree, because he finally moved, and pushed his jeans down to his thighs. The briefs stayed, though, but Neil was okay with that. He leaned down again, and after putting his mouth to Andrew’s tip, he sucked on him hard. The blond guy’s hands didn’t go under his head again, so now he grabbed Neil’s shoulders on both sides, burying his fingers deep into his trapezius muscle. Neil’s lips curled up. 

For long minutes he continued sucking on Andrew’s cock through the briefs, not only on the tip, but halfway taking it into his mouth all the way down to his balls. The black underwear was soaked with his saliva and Andrew’s pre-cum by the time Neil lost his patience. “Take it out, Andrew, I want your cock in my mouth.” He didn’t sound impatient, though. He was purring it onto the other’s sweaty skin as he traced his lips up his stomach and chest. “I want to taste you.” That was only a breath into Andrew’s mouth. 

The kiss he got was hard, aggressive, hot, wet. Neil ground his hips forcefully to Andrew’s, who dug his hands into Neil’s ass through his jeans. “I’ll just fuck you instead.” 

A chuckle left Neil’s throat. “While that sounds tempting,” he bit into Andrew’s lower lip, “I want you,” licked it with a slow motion, “in my mouth,” and finished it with sucking on it until the other started to groan. 

“Junkie.” 

“Of you.” 

After he lifted himself up – damn, his abs started to seriously hurt –, Andrew finally pulled his hard cock out of his briefs. For once, Neil didn’t feel any need to talk. He leaned down again, and finally, _finally_ took Andrew into his mouth. It was bitter, it was salty, it was Andrew. The moan Neil let out was louder than the older one’s.

Neil let the cock out of his mouth so he could lick it from the base up to the underside of the head where that swollen, seductive vein, that he followed, ended. Andrew’s breathing got just noticeably harder. Neil took the shaft between his lips again, just a couple of inches so he could easily circle his tongue around it. Looking up at Andrew’s face through his lashes was almost as arousing as the taste and feeling. The older guy had his darkened eyes fixated on his cock and Neil’s mouth, and he was biting his own lower lip. Neil wanted to be touched so bad, too, but he continued the sucking as long as Andrew dug his fingers deep into his hair and pulled him off of himself. 

“Stop,” he groaned deeply, then watched Neil licking his own lips with a satisfied expression. Andrew rolled his eyes, then sat up. “Take off your clothes.” 

They both did that, and as Andrew finished faster, he went to his duffle bag to search for the lube and the box of condoms he brought along. Neil watched him with eager desire after lying on his back and propping himself up on his elbows. The armbands were gone. He couldn’t stop smiling. His stomach tightened powerfully as he looked at the lube and anticipation of what’s going to happen flooded his mind and body. His hard cock twitched on his stomach, and Andrew didn’t miss that as he was already climbing back on the bed. Neil felt just a little embarrassed as their eyes met, while Andrew looked amused as always with his half smile. 

“Open your legs.” Neil started to lift them just after the _open_ , he couldn’t even wait for the end of the command. His heels almost touched his ass. He was wide open for Andrew, and he didn’t feel any shame about it. “You were cuter when you still blushed about this.” 

Neil laughed shortly. “Sorry, but you spoiled me completely.” He spread his fingers on Andrew’s nape, deep into the soft, blond hair, then pulled him down. A low moan escaped his mouth as the older guy’s warm body covered his own, and their cocks touched, finally without anything between them. Andrew rolled his hips with a powerful move, and Neil’s moan immediately grew louder and deeper. The older one was propping himself up on his arms next to Neil’s head while they kissed, kissed, kissed and kissed, but Neil’s hands were wondering on his body without stopping. He massaged his back muscles, his sidelines, up and down, scratched the skin along his spine, then smoothed it with his fingertips. 

Andrew kept rocking his hips while they kissed, and the rub of their cocks made their breathing harder and harder, until Neil had to throw his head back, because oxygen just wasn’t enough like this anymore. “Fuck,” Andrew groaned into his neck, then with a grunt pushed himself up, so their lower bodies didn’t touch anymore. “You are driving me nuts with that shameless moaning.”

Neil replied with a throaty laughter, then finally was able to open his eyes. “I can say the same about the lack of yours.” Andrew said nothing, just shoved Neil’s left leg up to his chest, then bit into his inner thigh, after lifting him up a little so he could hold the younger one on his knees. Neil giggled. “Fuck yes.” Andrew’s mouth got closer and closer to his groin, and Neil tried to keep the sounds down. At least he thought he tried, but when that wet and warm tongue slid through the crack of his ass, he had to grab a pillow and push it on his face. Andrew’s tongue teased him, his lips went up to his balls, and when he sucked on him, Neil’s whole body screamed for an orgasm. 

He heard the click of the lube bottle’s lid, and almost immediately pushed the pillow down to only cover his mouth. He had to see. Only feeling it wasn’t enough now. “I might come very very soon, Andrew,” he mumbled into the softness.

“No, you won’t,” he answered, spreading the lubricant on his hand and fingers. 

“But–“

“No, Neil, resist it.” 

He had to bit into the pillow when the first finger went into him, and he continued doing that for long, _long_ minutes. _Resist it.”_ Andrew’s voice kept repeating in his head, but even with that Neil felt on the edge as at first one more, then two fingers joined that first one. He mumbled endless _Andrews_ and _fucks_ into the pillow, and wanted to move against the fingers, he wanted them deeper, harder. _More, more, more._

They didn’t have proper sex for more than two weeks. The end of the year wasn’t easy on them. All the exams – Neil had to make sure none of his underclassmen fail any –, the end of the championship, the preparation for graduation; they stole their time, and getting each other off in a rush was almost only adding to the craving instead of being satisfying. Even if that morning they finally could be together, it was as if he forgot all about it. That didn’t make Neil feel content emotionally. That sex somehow lacked the sense of safety that he needed so bad, but now he could obtain it. Now he could be filled both in his heart and body. 

“Fuck, Andrew,” he groaned, this time without the pillow muffling his voice. “Fuck me already.”

The fingers didn’t stop, Andrew pushed them back in three more times, before opening his mouth. “Are you sure?” His fingertip brushed over Neil’s prostate, which made the younger whimper. 

“ _Yes,_ “ Neil hissed, pushing his head back, deep into the bed. Andrew’s fingers disappeared, and he groaned in desperation, because of the sudden emptiness. Stretching his leg while Andrew opened the condom was painful, but the soreness didn’t stop him from hooking both around the other’s thighs. He put his hands on Andrew’s hips massaging him, waiting impatiently till he was done with the preparations. Their eyes locked together after the condom was on, and Andrew was satisfied with the amount of lubricant on his hard cock. A sharp, keening sound left Neil’s mouth when he felt the tip of it by his hole. His fingers dug deeper into Andrew’s side, and it took all his power to resist to push himself down on it. “ _Fuck me_ ,” he asked, almost begging. 

Andrew, as if he understood Neil wants to move by himself, put his hand on his stomach, fingers spread, and held him down. There was a time, when Neil would have been worried about him seemingly hesitating. Now, looking into those shining eyes, he knew Andrew was only teasing him. It made Neil both impossibly happy, and just a little bit pissed. He didn’t say _please_ , because the other hated that word, he instead whimpered his name again and again, until Andrew couldn’t deal with his own desire anymore. 

Neil was grateful for the fingers that Andrew put into his mouth the moment when he finally pushed his tip into his asshole. He grabbed Andrew’s wrist, holding on for good, trying so hard not to cry out because of the _finally_. It hurt, it always gave him pain, but Neil knew pain, he even desired pain, and it was nothing compared to the things he had to go through before. It was, before anything else, pleasurable. It was Andrew. 

Andrew who gasped, whose breathe came out through his nose as harsh puffs. “You are so tight,” he said with his teeth pressed together. “Does it hurt?” 

Neil shook his head a little, and before Andrew could protest for a proper answer, before he could put his disbelief into words, Neil started to suck on the two fingers in his mouth. Andrew’s breathing got even harder as he kept watching him intensely. His little tongue and mouth performance seemed to be effective, because Andrew pushed farther into him. Neil’s grab around his wrist and his hipbone got tighter, and he stopped sucking, but as Andrew tried to pull his hand back, Neil’s lips curled up. “Don’t,” he muttered. 

Getting used to being stretched took some time, but they knew each other well enough, not to need words to tell when it was okay for Andrew to start moving. He pulled back slowly, and pushed back inside with the same speed. Andrew watched the frown on Neil’s forehead getting deeper, then smoothing out again, and with his other hand on Neil’s knee he also felt when his leg stopped shaking. The pain was gone, replaced with something way more powerful. The desire for _more_.

The hot, tight feeling in his groin pushed Neil to wanting to scream _Andrew_ and _more_ and _fuck_ , as if no other words existed in the word. Andrew rocked their hips gradually faster, and with that the noises of them clashing into each other got louder and louder, too. And it wasn’t enough. Feeling him inside was everything, but Neil still wanted more, always more. “Andrew,” he moaned, and turned his head so the other understood, now, he wanted his finger gone. With both hands, Neil reached towards him, putting his palm on Andrew’s sweaty neck. “Come here.” 

Andrew leaned down, propping himself up on one arm next to Neil’s side, but with the other hand he held the younger’s head. They kissed again with their bodies moving together, and Neil’s cock rubbing between their stomachs. Hot puffs of air, hot tongues, hot skin over skin. Neil felt his body rushing towards the clouds, but at the same time he was completely aware of being pinned down into the bed by Andrew’s body. 

“Can I–“ Talking felt like an impossible task. “Can I come now?”

Andrew lifted his lower body up just enough so Neil could reach for himself. He whimpered, he moaned, he cried out Andrew’s name as his fingers jerked on his cock that was wet enough from his pre-cum and their sweat. “Andrew–“ he gasped the name again. 

“Yes.” 

Andrew dropped the pace just enough so he could guide him through his orgasm, with slow, almost gentle thrusts, while Neil’s body shook under him uncontrollably. Andrew continued until Neil’s senses finally came back from the clouds, and everything started to fall back into focus. The first thing he saw when opened his eyes was Andrew’s hazel gaze that now looked almost just brown. “It’s okay now,” he whispered, his throat felt dry and almost hurt. 

“Is it now?” Andrew asked back, then rocked his hip with sudden harshness. Neil gasped and dug his fingers deep into the muscles on Andrew’s arms. The “ _fuck_ ” that broke out of him was almost inaudible. 

As Andrew started to move fast again, Neil slid his hand down his sweaty back, but stopped before touching his ass. His other one went up to Andrew’s neck, his thumb running over his jawline in the same pace as their crotches clashed into each other. Andrew’s mouth was open, he breathed so hard, and Neil started to talk into it between kisses. “Yes, Andrew, it still feels amazing. I love it when you fuck me, I couldn’t wait to do it again, to feel you inside of me, it feels _so good. You feel so good._ ” Andrew was watching him, close, without even blinking until he suddenly lifted himself up. Neil groaned as he pulled his cock out of his ass, but he kept talking when the older tore the condom off and started to jerk himself off. “Come for me. Cum, Andrew!”

“Shut it!” 

And Neil did just that. His fingertips smoothly wondered on Andrew’s thighs, hips, and abs as the orgasm tensed up older guy’s body, and he came on Neil’s stomach. His white skin was now pink, pink all over and shining so nicely in the light. His blond hair stuck to his forehead, his neck, and Neil really wanted to sit up and lick him. He didn’t get the chance, though, as Andrew collapsed on top of him. That was almost as good. 

He buried his face into the crook of Neil’s neck, still breathing unevenly, while the younger traced his hands on his body. It took forever – Neil wished it lasted longer – until Andrew was again able to push himself up a bit. They kissed, slow, exhausted, _full of love_. 

Neil felt he could choke on all his feelings. He wanted to say them out loud again, but at the same time, he knew it’s not necessary. They just proved completely how those words are not needed when they can be together. Yes, they weren’t necessary now, because they could be together. That’s going to change though. The shadows in his mind started to crawl out again, and it showed how bad Neil actually felt about the changes. He could still think, he was still fully awake, even though they had sex, and his body and heart was finally satisfied. However, his mind was yet not content. 

“Andrew,” he mumbled. 

The older guy thought Neil wants him to get off, so he started to lift himself up, but Neil shook his head the moment they saw each other. Andrew frowned. “What?”

“Why did we come today?” He had to ask. He had to know. He had to talk. 

Andrew sighed, but kept himself propped up, so he could see the other’s face. “You were having nightmares for days, Neil.”

Neil frowned. “Was I?” 

“Either that or your mind went overboard with rough sex. Which I don’t find impossible at all,” he commented with a half-smile. 

Neil turned his head to the right, and nuzzled to the scars on Andrew’s forearm by his own neck. He went to bed exhausted every night, so he didn’t remember his dreams after waking up. He went for long runs before bed to make himself able to sleep, but it seemed his mind was still trying to deal with his problems. He couldn’t run away from them. 

“I’m so scared of losing my family,” he muttered on such a low voice that it was barely audible, even though only Andrew’s breathing could have suppressed it. 

“It depends on you.” 

“What?” He peeked up at Andrew, but still touched his face to his arm. 

“Those idiots will bug you forever, if you don’t shut them off. It depends only on you.” Andrew gazed over his uncertain face, saw the corner of his mouth being tensed, the wrinkles between his eyebrows growing deeper. “And you should stop calling them that.”

“What?” 

“When I thought your vocabulary finally came back, you are back to one word again.” It was sarcastic, it showed how annoyed he is by Neil’s pathetic behavior. “They aren’t family.”

“They are–“

“No.” Andrew straddled Neil’s hips, after pressing his hand on Neil’s mouth, so propping himself up became even harder. “Shut up. Stop saying that.” He leant close, looking deep into Neil’s eyes. “They are the people you chose for yourself. They aren’t something so petty as a family. They decided you are worth having around, _you_ decided they are worth the fucking trouble, then stop belittling them.”

He didn’t add _stop belittling me_ , and it wasn’t even in his eyes this time. Andrew assumed Neil understood, they are good. They are something unchanging. Neil had to fight down that old urge to dig the side of his hand into his mouth to stop himself from panicking. Andrew was watching him, though, and as his eyes narrowed now, it was obvious he saw there is something wrong. He just couldn’t figure out what, and Neil was for once very grateful for that. 

He didn’t want Andrew to know that he doubted them. If Andrew had been sure about them, Neil should have been, too. They both had trust issues, yes, but if Andrew fought down his own, then how come Neil was still uncertain? He felt like a horrible person, he would have deserved to be left behind for good. 

Neil groaned in pain as Andrew’s grip on his mouth got firmer, and his fingers dug deep into his face. “Stop it,” he forced the words out like he had a hard time talking through his anger. 

The younger one started to concentrate on the pain. He let those powerful fingers hold him still, and he imagined they are pushing back the shadows and the panic. As his brain cleared up a little, he could think rationally again. Oh, and how much he needed to think. 

_”Stay.”_

_Keys._

_“я люблю тебя.”_

_Every weekend together._

Neil was keeping his eyes on Andrew’s indignant expression, but he didn’t really see him. He imagined Andrew getting anxious, because Neil’s mind was going bad again. He imagined Andrew staring at the ceiling at night, thinking about how they would survive the year apart. He imagined Andrew searching for towns between Columbia and Palmetto State, where they could be together on the weekends. He imagined Andrew realizing they need one certain place, because it would be too hard on Neil in his last year to go around the state. He imagined Andrew calling hotels in the area and getting information about how they would treat two gay men coming over regularly for a whole year. He imagined Andrew getting relieved, because he found the place where they could be safe. 

He couldn’t be sure, how it actually went down, but it had to be something like that. Because Andrew was thinking about him; trying to save him even without him asking for help. Neil had to concentrate on that. Had to think about all the things Andrew’s ever done for him. All those things were his _I love yous._ And they surely meant more than those three words. They were the base for the new year. They were all the pillars that will hold them together. 

Neil just had to stop panicking. 

_“We will be fine.”_

And considering his family…

“Umm umm ummm.”

Andrew frowned as Neil tried to speak, then slowly took his hand off of the younger’s mouth. “You were saying?”

“I said let me speak,” Neil repeated, then cleared his throat. “You should stop lying to yourself.” 

“Excuse me?!” Andrew asked back clearly offended, because of the accusation of him lying about anything. 

“Calling _family_ petty. It’s a lie and you know it.” Andrew narrowed his eyes, and immediately tried to get off of Neil, but he grabbed his wrists, and kept him steady. Andrew still refused to look at him, though. “You have two family members, who never let you down, and they deserve more than that.” 

“One hundred and thirty-two.” Andrew tugged on his arms with force, and after he got free, he simply fell onto the bed next to Neil, then buried his face into one of the pillows. 

“Wasn’t it one hundred and thirty-five the other day already?!” Neil turned to his side, and leaned on his forearm.

“You have a shitty memory, Josten.” Andrew refused to look at him, so this was only mumbling. 

“I could swear it was already thirty-five.” 

“It wasn’t.” 

Neil didn’t argue more, if Andrew said so, then it was one hundred and thirty-two percent, he surely had the better memory. The younger looked at Andrew’s bare back, followed the lines of the muscles down from his shoulder to his ass, and his eyes stayed there for a while. It hasn’t been long since the time when this was still impossible. Andrew staying there naked, and with his back to Neil. It was the sign of utter trust. _“Ohmyfuckinggod, I love you so much.”_ He didn’t say it, though. He still needed time, too, to get used to the new rules.

“Staring.” 

“Can you feel what I’m staring at?” he asked with a smirk, but he got quite startled by the sudden sound. 

“I don’t need to. I know you.” 

Neil’s laughing was no more than puffs through his nose. He leaned down, and pressed his lips to Andrew’s back, right to the middle between his shoulder blades. “Can we get matching tattoos?” 

Andrew didn’t tense up, because of the touch on his back, but he definitely did after the question. “No fucking way.” 

“Why?” Neil asked, keeping his mouth on Andrew’s skin, causing him goosebumps. 

“Because it’s the lamest shit ever.” 

“I think it only becomes lame, when the pair breaks up.” Neil came up with that on the spot, he’s never really thought of getting another tattoo after his first one. “Wouldn’t it be cool to be really old and still have them?” 

“No.” 

“Hm~” Neil turned his head, and rested his face on Andrew’s back instead. He just said something big. It was forever. It was growing old together. It was assuming none of them would get killed in the next few years. It was the future. It was their future together. Neil loved the idea of that. “I’ll talk you into it.” 

“Hmpf.” 

It wasn’t the night to do it, though, as Andrew refused to talk any more, but he didn’t throw Neil off of his back, and he even let the younger one caress his skin till they fell asleep in the end. 

And Neil didn’t have nightmares. 

He had a dream about a new year. New years that would come. He dreamt of a house that was decorated with flowers. About Dan and Matt as the neighbors chatting to him about his cute, little boyfriend. About two exy gears next to each other in the corner of the living room. About a sofa in front of a television with him and Andrew sitting next to each other, being very old, and having cats in their laps. 

When he woke up, he felt like the dream was fairly impossible, especially the thought of them keeping flowers alive. He still had a silly smile on his face, and when Andrew asked why, he said he found something else to talk Andrew into. 

“We need to have cats in our house.” 

“No fucking way, Josten.” 

Neil just laughed, being sure he has all the time of his life to convince Andrew about tattoos, cats, and whatever else he would come up with. He had new years ahead of them. He had a future ahead that he will spend together with Andrew, and all the other Foxes, because he chose them, and they chose him. They just had to hold onto everything from now on, too. With Andrew’s help, Neil was sure he will be able to do that.

**Author's Note:**

> *I only read Nora's extra content about the I love you issue after I started to write this. She says Neil doesn't need to hear or say it, but I really felt like he would, even if it makes him OOC.  
> **YES, NICKY DESERVES MORE LOVE AT LEAST FROM NEIL.
> 
> ***Thank you for reading ^_^


End file.
